The Progression

"It's just not worth it," I thought. The young couple behind me in line were getting increasing agitated with one another. The young man was supposed to have "picked something up" and brought it to the check out line, but didn't, and the young lady wasn't letting him forget it. It was merely a communication problem, but the longer they "conversed," the more intense the conversation became. Surprisingly, they weren't getting louder: their voices were actually getting softer and softer. Finally, there were no voices at all...just silence...accompanied by "the look."

"It's just not worth it," I thought again as I peered around to see if their eyes had softened toward one another..."It's just not worth it."

After 17 years of marriage, I actually HAVE learned a few lessons - some of them, the hard way. I've learned that husbands love and need to be respected by their wives. I've learned that men, just like women, need to feel appreciated and cherished. I've also learned that arguments just aren't worth the havoc they create.

"Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry; for the anger of man does not bring about the righteousness of God," Scripture says in James 1:19. In Ephesians 4:26, God warns us to "Be angry and sin not." Great Words of Wisdom, but how difficult it is to put them into practice. Sometimes, even the little stuff inflames me. I find myself burning everyone around me and then regretting, repenting, and apologizing. It's a vicious cycle that needs to stop in my life...and yours.

My husband taught on this very thing in church a few months ago, and it revolutionized some people's lives and marriages. He talked about the progression levels of conflict and how just recognizing these levels can help you control and even dispel the feeling of anger growing within you when confronted with a potentially intense situation.

The first rule of thumb is simple - stay on the Issue Level. In other words, keep the main thing, the main thing. When an argument begins, simply continue routing yourself back to the issue at hand. All too often, as emotions get involved, we stair-step the real problem and jump right into attack mode. One minute we're talking about not having toilet paper because our spouse simply forgot to purchase it and the next, we're pointing fingers and saying things like, "Well, YOU never remember to get the things I need."

Do you know what I'm talking about? The "discussion" is no longer about toilet paper. It’s about a person. The conflict has progressed from the Issue Level to the Personal Level. See the difference?

So you can see how it’s imperative to stay focused on the issue. Keep the main thing, the main thing. Never allow yourself to say, "You always..." or "You never..." Stay on topic and don't deviate. This really helps, because it doesn't just keep you in control of your tongue, it helps to diffuse the potential for anger in the other person. If you allow yourself to start pointing fingers - the intensity in the situation increases, instead of decreases, and emotions begin to take control, instead of reason.

HOWEVER, even if this happens - even if a discussion reaches the Personal Level, you can still get back on track. Stop yourself, apologize to the Lord AND your spouse. Control your thoughts AND your tongue. Then, resume the discussion. If you don't, things will get out of hand quickly. The argument will gravitate and elevate to the Relationship Level. This is NOT where you want to be. As the accusations continue, anger increases, and all of the sudden, you're thinking (or even worse, saying) things like, "I can't believe I ever married you in the first place."

A simple act of forgetting the toilet paper has birthed a seed of bitterness that will grow and consume an individual if not kept in check. Do you see the progression through the different levels? Do you see how dangerous NOT staying on issue can be...not being quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to become angry?

Oh my friend, communication that progresses to uncontrolled anger and bitterness is just simply not worth the cost. The next time a potentially strained situation occurs, let’s allow the Spirit to have control - to keep us in check and on the issue. Our marriages, our relationships, our right-standing before Jesus – all of those things are at stake and worth the effort to learn how to communicate and confront in a loving manner. Don’t you think?

Jesus, open our ears and hearts and close our mouths. Help us to love each other as You love us...unconditionally. Help us to communicate well, honoring You in the process. Help us to live lives worthy of Your calling. We praise You, Jesus. Amen.